


Last Relapse

by bitetoall136



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Infidelity, Kaoi - Freeform, M/M, Slice of Life, Smut, This is an Import
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2019-02-16 03:32:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 19,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13045614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitetoall136/pseuds/bitetoall136
Summary: A decade old promise between friends reunites Yuu with the one person he’d been trying his hardest to forget.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a three part oneshot from 2014 that I'm going to import from LJ over the next three days. I've cleaned up this first part a bit, and I intend to do that to the next two parts as well, but just in case anyone has read this on my LJ before, no significant changes have been made. Just some minor grammar/punctuation errors that I missed when I originally posted it. :3

The stream of music echoing throughout the old school gymnasium was muffled when the set of doors closed behind Yuu. Silence. After hours of fake smiles, of pretending to be in high spirits over meeting up with acquaintances he thought to be nothing but ghosts of his past; silence proved to be nothing but blissful. Hands shoved in the pockets of his loose black slacks, he leaned against the new barrier, throwing his head back in a sigh and allowing dusky eyes a moment to relax, veiling the current locker lined hallway in nothing but black shadows.

Over ten years. More than a decade. It’d been a while since he last stepped foot through these corridors. Yet the moment he’d taken his first hesitant strides into the building that had taken up the most vital years of his teenage life, his mind had flooded with memories of the good and the bad. Leaning against the rows of lockers and laughing with his friends, skipping out on class and sneaking up to the roof to grab a smoke, pulling his boyfriend into the nearest corner or bathroom, treating him to kisses and strokes that could easily get them both expelled if caught. All these recollections had come billowing forward, clouding his mind and allowing him to get through this reunion he had previously believed would be an evening of hell. 

And in a way, Yuu was right. If it weren’t for the foggy state of mind the mix of memories, glasses of alcohol, and knowledge that he still had a promise to uphold had provided him, chances are he wouldn’t have made it two hours into the night before high tailing it out of there with some excuse that wouldn’t have even sounded believable to his own ears. Listening to old classmates go on and on about how accomplished they’ve become, how they were now happily married with two kids and another one of the way. All of the bragging and pitied smiles he’d received when he informed them how his life was going – it all had begun to irritate him faster than he originally perceived, and within a half an hour of the eight o’clock start time, he had found himself keeping company the table of wines and champagne, slowly nursing his own drinks and eyeing the clock in the far corner of the room, waiting for the two hands to begin inching closer to that taunting twelve.

Music interrupted his thoughtful quiet when the left half of the set of doors he was leaning against flew open. Giggling soon assaulted his ears and Yuu opened his eyes just in time to see two of his former classmates stumbling drunkenly out into the vacant hallway, their fingers interlaced as their unoccupied hands lifted to flushed faces and tried to mute giddy behavior. They could barely walk and practically fell into the lockers with each step they took, but they had not a care in the world and were simply happy to be in one another’s presence after so long. 

Their behavior brought Yuu back to his prom night, a barely there smile tugging at his lips as he remembered being forcibly dragged to the clichéd dance and pouting almost all evening, only to end up having the night of his life when he found out his best friend Takanori had added to the dance’s clichéd’ tradition by spiking the punch bowl. Prom night had easily become one of Yuu’s fondest memories, able to close his eyes any time he wanted in order to relive the experience; able to hear Taka’s evil cackle as all their friends and classmates around them got completely and unknowingly blitzed; able to feel the hot breaths of his boyfriend slash prom date against his neck when he sluggishly suggested they go find somewhere to be alone; remembering how they’d barely made it through the hotel room door before they were half naked, unable to keep their hands off one another.

Prom was one of the last memorable experiences of Yuu’s high school career, and so he hung onto the memory with a vise like grip. It was one of the last nights he was together with all of his friends, all of them equally happy and making promises that he would only later come to find out would be ultimately broken. 

He missed Takanori’s bitchiness and underlying mischief. Taka was the one who would constantly get into arguments with the teacher, never relenting on his side of the argument until he was finally sent to the principal’s office. He was also the one who never allowed his grudges to die down, believing he could prove his point by pulling the fire alarm on his way to the office he spent more time in than actual classes. Then there had been Kouyou and Akira. In their small group there were two sets of best friends – Yuu and Takanori being one pair, Kouyou and Akira the second. Whereas Yuu had met Taka his first year of middle school, Kouyou and Akira had known each other since primary school; their obvious close knit bond proof of that. They were always inseparable. If Yuu invited Akira over to his house for a weekend of video games, it went unsaid that Kouyou would be there right alongside with him. The soccer battling pair had developed a way to communicate almost silently, able to have a complete conversation with eyes and small gestures alone, something that worked quite well for Kouyou’s relatively quiet personality. Those silent conversations had proven to be more entertaining most times rather than none, because where Kouyou more of an introvert who kept primarily to himself, Akira was a chatter box, and typically half way through the silent conversation he’d begin to express his point verbally while Kouyou still remained hushed, the pair, as Takanori had so readily pointed out, appearing as a bickering married couple picking their way through ‘the silent treatment’.

The four of them made for quiet an interesting group, their dangerous combination of personalities allowing others to view them as socially inept when together, which they hadn’t minded at all. When they were apart, of course they had other friends they would hang out with, but once together, nobody else truly mattered.

That was at least the case until half way through their first year when the fifth addition to their little group scurried his way in, finally completing the vast arrangement of personalities and becoming the foundation that held their group together whenever trouble arose; the one person Yuu ever found himself thinking about on a daily basis…

The giddy couple that brought him back in time drug Yuu back to his current reality when the ex-classmate he recognized as Ayumi -- the bright girl who had sat next to him in his second year biology class -- suddenly fell to her knees on the tiled flooring, her loud giggling only increasing in volume as her male counterpart dutifully attempted to help her stand. A brackish look skirted over Yuu’s features as he watched the couple exit through another set of doors, this one leading to the winding cement paths of the front of the school. They were making the best of this ten year reunion, whereas Yuu had been quietly brooding and stepping on eggshells all night, impatiently awaiting midnight to come about so he could finally get around to the fulfilling the promise which originally brought him to this celebratory function to begin with.

Pushing away from the door and standing straight, he shoved his hands even deeper into his pockets as he began to trace the path the couple before him had just cleared, easily making his way out into the summer night’s warmth. 

He walked with easy steps, feeling light and free from drinking just the right amount of liquid courage. He’d come to the reunion knowing he wouldn’t be running into Takanori, but while inside he was still somehow expecting his best friend; really the only person he remained in contact with after graduation, to come bursting through the doors in some way-out there attire, just so he could saunter through the gymnasium and have everybody’s attention in the room focused solely on him. But, somehow, Takanori had been able to go against all his teachers even after graduation, indeed making something out of his life where they had said he’d fail completely. Taka hadn’t turned into a charity case like all his teachers had predicated, but instead he transformed himself into one of the most respected medical students at Tokyo University, having taken up residency under the most well-known diagnostician Japan had to offer just last week, thus being unable to find the time to take off of work to attend the reunion. 

Takanori had called Yuu up just days ago, apologizing frantically that he wouldn’t be able to make it, but Yuu had simply told him to hush up, that he was proud of him and would hold up his end of the promise for him. Takanori hadn’t expressed any sign of gratitude for Yuu’s words, but even miles away, Taka was still his best friend and Yuu knew the other was holding a thankful smile on the other end of the line.

Something that had come as a surprise to Yuu was he hadn’t seen the other hopeful pair of best friends their group had to offer all night. Yes, he hadn’t talked to Kouyou and Akira since the summer of their graduation, but still, that night when they all proudly wore their caps and gowns and made ‘the promise’. It was that night their group of five snuck off from their ceremony with a small box and some personal objects in hand. It was the night they crossed the soccer field for yards and yards to come, only to end up at the far off lone sakura tree their school had to offer. It was that night he and the fifth member of their group ended up on their knees and dirtying their hands, digging a hole right under the blossoming tree as Taka bitched in the background about not digging through the mud like a caveman and Kouyou and Akira had another one of their silent-but-not-quite-silent conversations. It was that night that Yuu’s dirt coated hands crossed their groups newest addition’s own and looked up to see that dimpled smiling face, realizing the boy in front of him wasn’t just someone he could call the mediator of the group anymore. He couldn’t just called the brunette before him his prom date or even just his boyfriend anymore. Because it was right then, right at that moment, that Yuu had realized that the fifth member of their group owned every bit of him. His heart. His soul. His entire being.

Shaking his head of those misgiving thoughts, he continued along his mentally curved out path. Walking the length of the soccer field, breathing in the fresh air, able to perfectly imagine coming out to the field at night to support Kouyou and Akira in their match against a rivaling high school team; sneaking off midway through the game with his favorite brunet’s hand in his own. They’d make their way under the bleachers and, depending on the mood, either kiss till they were blue in the face, grind till they both reached that land of forbidden pleasure, or hug and caress and mutter how much they loved each other. 

At that time, they had meant everything in the world to one another. They’d even planned a future together which involved a shared apartment and eventually a dog or three. Everything had been perfect, beyond perfect, actually, and that’s what disturbed Yuu the most all these years. He thought long and hard, but never had he been able to conjure up a reason as to why his world of completeness had come to an end. One day he had the entire world cupped perfectly in his hands, but then the next…everything was gone; completely in ruins. He found himself isolated from his friends, unsure where they’d even displaced themselves when the autumn following their last summer together came to an end. And then one day Yuu woke up and he realized everything he’d spent building the last four years of his life around was completely gone. Kouyou. Akira. Even Taka, in some kind of sense. They all vanished, not just physically from his life, but emotionally. 

Strangely enough, Yuu had found it in himself to be able to accept their disappearance. It was hard, but over time he was been able to let go, accepting that his friends had moved on with their lives where he had instead remained stagnant after graduation. But the one person Yuu couldn’t bring himself to truly get over so _he_ could move on with his life was the last addition to their group; the boy who was with them the shortest amount of time but was able to capture every part of his being. His mind, heart, and soul. It all belonged to the brunet who could light up the darkest corners of the world with his laughter alone. Who could simply peck Yuu on the cheek and have him grinning the rest of the day.

And in was that very brunet who now stopped Yuu in his steps, his breath getting trapped in his chest as he watched from a distance. 

Just meters ahead of him stood the lone sakura tree he’d spent many lazy Monday mornings relaxing under. Pink petals covered the green grass, the brown branches almost completely naked and whisking back and forth in the light wind. Right below that tree was a familiar hunched figure, his hands and knees in the dirt as he dug almost gracefully, completely unaware of the presence behind him. Yuu was only able to see the man’s backside, but there was absolutely no denying that the person in front of him was none other than the fifth member of the group. That the man in front of him was his prom date slash boyfriend and still unbelievably the conqueror of his entire being. It was Yutaka. 

_His_ Yutaka.

He never would have thought it possible before but, over the years, Yutaka had only become more breathtaking. His thin frame from back in high school had finally filled out; arms, legs, and back a like all covered in sleek muscle. Nothing was over worked, the small muscle definition barely noticeable, only noted due to the white shirt damp with sweat sticking to his body. Brunet hair that had once been choppy was now long, just brushing his shoulders in gentle waves, and it didn’t even take Yuu’s thoughts point two seconds to travel along the idea of what it would feel like to wrap his hands in that dark tress. He wanted Yutaka to turn around and suddenly notice him. He wanted to be able to scan upon those deep mocha eyes that had always stared at him with nothing but affection. Wanted to see if those soft boyish facial features had remained intact or if they’d gone through a small metamorphosis of their own, just like the rest of Yutaka’s body. After ten years, he just wanted to be able to see Yutaka fully, to hear his lively voice and see his room lightning smile.

Heart pounding in his chest like a condemned man beating on his cell door, Yuu remained frozen in his spot, merely observing every one of Yutaka’s subtle movements as he silently urged the other to turn around, to glance his way and simply recognize him. He tried to speak, try to draw attention to himself in order to grab Yutaka’s focus, but his mouth was dry and it was as if he’d become a mute. His entire body tensed, the beating of his heart against his cage loud and known. Palms sweaty as he imagined laying with his back to the blooming sakura tree, hands drifting through Yutaka’s choppy hair as the other traced patterns on his stomach. Takanori sitting at a distance with a journal pad placed upon his drawn up knees as he sketched a scene unknown to Yuu’s eyes, Kouyou and Akira kicking a soccer ball back and forth just feet away. 

Yuu’s perfect world was back before his eyes. At this moment, nothing could go wrong and the years he spent numbing down the pain of losing everyone important in his life was none. The epiphany he was experiencing, however, didn’t last long. He watched cautiously as Yutaka stopped his sudden movements. Watched as the brunet stilled, looking as if he were listening intently to his surroundings, his back arching subtlety as he dusted his dirt clustered hands against his faded jeans. And then quicker than Yuu could process, Yutaka was looking over his shoulder, staring right at Yuu and allowing the dark of the night to completely obliterate the reminiscing image he envisioned so vividly.

Relief practically swarmed through Yuu upon realizing that Yutaka’s boyish features had indeed remained. Big brown doe eyes, smooth tan skin, and a nose that was distinctly Yutaka. Relief was there, yet his body still remained tense as their gazes continued to stare, Yutaka looking just as surprised as Yuu felt. 

When the silence finally became too much, Yuu found himself taking a small step forward, his hands turning into quivering fists inside his pockets. That one step quickly broke the tense atmosphere when a twig snapped under his weight, head darting down to look at the ground, only to be look back at Yutaka the next second when he heard the other mutter an almost silent noise. 

Yuu may not have fully understood what Yutaka was beginning to state, but he could pull together from his flushed appearance, the teeth currently gnawing in into his bottom lip, and the hand rubbing at the back of his neck that Yutaka had made an attempt to break their lull of hush but had lost the courage to do so halfway and instead hoped that he had shut himself up in time before Yuu had realized he even made a sound. It was then Yuu knew that this round of bashful charades would go on all night if he wasn’t the one to speak up first. So fighting down the pounding in his chest and swallowing deep, he allowed his nails to dig crescent moon shapes into his palms as he looked directly at Yutaka and uttered his first words to the brunet in over ten years. “I…I thought we were all supposed to do this together?”

His words were as hushed as the gentle streams of wind currently surrounding them, each syllable feeling heavy and strenuous against his throat. He couldn’t even bring himself to look back Yutaka’s way, eyes having averted to the small pile of dirt after his uttered sentence, tongue unconsciously running along the scarred skin of his inner lip; a reminder of where his black metal hoop used to reside. 

The scar, although barely noticeable to anyone but himself, always brought a refreshing calmness over Yuu. When work was getting to the best of him, when his mind started playing mental games with him and allowed him to do nothing but lay in bed and stare at empty walls for hours, all he had to do was trace the small blemish and allow burdened formations to be replaced by those of good. Sitting in the noisy chair of the tattoo and piercing parlor, attempting to act stoic and brave on the outside even though on the inside he was nothing but a fluttering mess of nerves as he watched the artist prepare the needle that appeared far more intimidating than it actually was. Body acting on impulse and beginning to shake as the clamps clenched upon his bottom lip, the needle drawing closer, only to fall completely tranquil and at ease when, from the corner of his eye, he caught Yutaka offering him a smile, his boyfriend soon grabbing his hand and squeezing with reassurance. 

It was a phantom comfort that not even alcohol or a one night stands could offer.

“We were,” Yutaka spoke up shyly after minutes, bringing Yuu’s attention back to him, “But I…I kind of figured nobody else was going to show.”

Even after being apart for years, Yuu was able to understand all of Yutaka’s assertions and small movements. The downcast eyes showed how unsure Yutaka was about everything. The way he subtlety shifted back and forth on his knees proved how uncomfortable he was with the entire situation, with having Yuu’s eyes back on him and devouring his every move. But most of all, his words, although vague, told Yuu more than needed to ever be said. 

This promise, it had all been Yutaka’s idea. Everyone else in their group had been completely against it at first, claiming it was pointless and, quoting Taka, ‘something fucking chicks do’. Their rebellion against Yutaka’s idea to cement their friendship had only lasted days, though, seeing as Yutaka was the baby of the group and nobody could stand to see him unhappy for too long. Even though he’d been the ‘newbie’, he was also the most level headed and mature out of their vivacious group, and when he promised something, he _always_ meant it. Even if the five of them had floundered apart over the past decade, there was never any doubt in Yuu’s mind that Yutaka wouldn’t show up tonight. Because even if the brunet had broken the sole pledge they’d made together, he knew Yutaka couldn’t break the group’s pact. Friendship meant too much to Yutaka. He held onto promises strong and deep, Yuu apparently being the only exception to that rule. And somewhere in the back of his head, Yuu knew that the only reason he even bothered to show up tonight wasn’t because of a promise made forever ago, but instead because he _knew_ Yutaka would be here no matter what.

Yuu’s heartbeats wouldn’t even out. They were sporadic and suffocating him almost as much as Yutaka’s light stare. He could tell Yutaka felt uneasy being around him, but it was a completely different story for himself. How he felt right now, it was how he’d always felt around Yutaka. It was just now everything was intensified after spending ten years apart. His mind couldn’t wrap around the fact that even their lengthy separation had done nothing to numb down the intense feelings he always had for Yutaka. It was unhealthy to hang onto his teenage romance well into his adulthood, but he couldn’t help it. 

He tried his best at other relationships, but in the end they always came crumbling down because he didn’t put any effort in. He knew the only person who would ever live up to his standards was Yutaka and that angered him, because there had been times over the years where he wanted nothing more than to completely forget the boy who had unintentionally destroyed his entire life, his future, by simply being there one day, only to be gone the next. The small ping of resentment Yuu had been expecting to arise upon seeing Yutaka was nowhere to be found. Instead, he felt a sense of closure; of home. In his mind, he could easily pick right back up with Yutaka and press play, those years of being stuck on pause never existent.

Not wanting to scare Yutaka away with words, he took the required steps until he was standing next to the tree, able to, for the first time, fully see Yutaka’s face now that he stood in front of him. Yutaka on his hands and knees, covered in the dark dirt. Yuu wanted nothing more than for him to look up at him and smile, allow him to relive their graduation night. However, he had accepted long ago that he never truly acquired what he wanted, so he could do nothing but offer a sad small smile of his own as he bent down, Yutaka’s questioning eyes still on him. “I promised I would come,” he started as his hands began tearing at the hole in the ground, the one Yutaka had made barely any progress on. “When have I ever broken a promise to you?”

It took everything in Yuu to look back up and, when he did, he found just what he had expected to find; Yutaka looking at him with that sideways glance, guilt etched into every inch of his surface. And it hurt him to have to force that heavy cloud of emotions to linger over Yutaka, but it had to be done. Not only as a form of compensation for the time Yuu had spent in emotional withdrawal because of him, but because it also verified that there was a chance Yutaka still cared.

Continuing to dig, searching for the tin box that was bound to be there containing objects of memoir, a silence formed that wasn’t necessarily comfortable. Yuu would take the occasional break to casually glance at Yutaka’s expression under his lashes and there were the few times he’d catch the brunet staring his way, only for Yutaka to swiftly divert his attention back to the ground the moment he was caught. It was endearing that, even now, well into adulthood, Yutaka still seemed to carry this natural shyness to him. It was one of the characteristics that had drawn Yuu in, determination having run through his veins that he would break his shell and get Yutaka to open up to him one hundred percent. 

And he had.

Those days where Yutaka would walk up to him and slowly drag him away from a conversation with Takanori or Akira, direct him down the hall till they found a corner of their own, just so he could give Yuu a good morning kiss and tell him how much he loved him. How they spent weekends together lounging about the floors of each other’s rooms, talking about the next steps they wanted to take in their relationship; their goals and sometimes their extended futures. In the beginning, when they were merely friends, Yutaka always shied away when it came to talking about himself, but once Yuu had broken that thin barrier, it was nearly impossible to shut the other up, their conversations sometimes lasting till two in the morning; at times even surpassing that and chatting until the sun came up and a new day began. 

Distracted with the past, it was only when Yuu’s fingers grazed against something cool did he finally refocus on the here and now. He cleared his hazy mind and looked down, finding the tips of his painted fingers resting against a familiar, now rusted, square box; Yutaka’s fingers darkened with ground soil casually resting upon his own. That small touch sent Yuu’s entire mind into a whirlwind frenzy, but what nearly stopped his heart was finally taking notice of the silver band suffocating the brunet’s ring finger. 

It was brash and ugly to Yuu’s set of eyes and he wanted nothing more than to reach forward and tear the piece of offending jewelry off of Yutaka, but he restrained, settling for promptly breaking their contact and nearly ripping the crusted box out of their recently dug hole. Yutaka followed his movements, removing himself from his hunched over position and dusting his hands off on his jeans for the second time that evening, Yuu able to tell that the brunte put no time into thinking before he crawled over those few centimeters and sat crisscrossed, putting himself shoulder to shoulder with Yuu.

He wanted to push Yutaka away. Wanted to put distance between them after making the recent discovery that proved he and Yutaka could never be as they once were, that the small fraction of hope he had before attending the reunion that he could maybe fix things between them was now completely destroyed. But he couldn’t do it. For so long he’s waited for this touch, and even though he knows he’ll regret it in a few hours when he departs from the school ground’s and retreats back to his small hole in the wall apartment, he can’t help but be selfish and indulge.

“Should we wait and see if Taka shows up before opening it?” Yutaka asked in that distinctively nice tone of his, reaching across and tapping the box in Yuu’s lap with the tip of his finger. Yuu wasn’t sure when his eyes had even shut but, when he opened them, he found Yutaka’s doe eyes scanning him over questioningly, his focus jumping down to the ring and slight fury taking over. It took everything he had in him to not completely explode, swallowing down that fit of rage and forcing his words to come out calm.

“Taka just started up a new job last week, he’s not going to make it.” Yuu answered, his tight grip on the box increasing as Yutaka’s focus remained innocent. 

Yutaka had been the one in the wrong. He’d been the one to up and leave without a word, without any attempts to make contact with Yuu throughout all these years, so why was it he was able to act as if nothing ever happened between them? Why was it he was the one who was able to move on with his life, get married, and sit here side by side with Yuu and ask questions about their old friends as if they still talked on a daily basis? And why was he only asking about Takanori? Why not the other pair of best friends? Why not… 

“Why only Taka? Why not Kouyou and Akira?”

Yutaka shrugged his shoulders in that barely recognizable way that he always did when uncomfortable, beginning to play with the shards of grass the ground had to offer, refusing to look Yuu’s way. “I spoke to Aki a few hours before I left. The day care he takes his kid to is closed on Saturdays and he couldn’t find anyone else to watch him. And he told me Kou couldn’t make it because he was swamped with work at the office...”

Almost more than the wedding band wrapped around his finger, Yutaka’s words stung Yuu hard and fast. ‘Aki’, ‘Kou'. Yutaka had obviously kept in contact with the pair over the years. Still referring to them with the cutesy nicknames he insisted upon in high school, knowing the current events of their lives and talking to them just mere hours ago. What made them so special? Why was it they received that attention from Yutaka that Yuu had yearned for all these years?

“Why…?”

Yuu hadn’t meant to ask the question out loud, but when he did, it came out desperate and broken, his voice straining against his emotional revelation. He placed the box down between himself and Yutaka, creating a flimsy barrier he could break in seconds, but needing it there so he could think logically without having Yutaka’s slightest touch control his overall reactions. Yutaka looked at him confused, his nose scrunching up as he readied himself to speak, but Yuu quickly interrupted, wanting answers fast. “Why did you stay in contact with them only? Why was it so easy to drop me and Taka from your life?”

Before he could even properly finish his query, that look of guilt was back across Yutaka’s features. He began fidgeting with his fingers but allowed his expression to remain stern and unmoving, his back visibly tensing at the sudden anger laced question. Yuu could tell the brunet was mulling the answer over and over again in his head, able to physically see the way he bit the inside of his cheek; something he had always done when in thought. But Yuu’s patience was wearing thin and he needed the answer right then and there. “ _Yutaka_.” He urged the other out of his rigorous thought pattern with a stern call of his name, hand moving on its own accord and wrapping firmly around Yutaka’s wrist, stopping him from twisting grass blades and sending his body completely still. “Tell me.”

“I…I didn’t mean to.” It was such a simple answer and a part of Yuu would’ve gladly accepted such an explanation. But so long had passed, so long without any word of acknowledgement. Tonight could be the last time he ever saw Yutaka again, so he wasn’t wasting any chances. A full explanation was needed, and until Yuu got one, neither of them were moving from this very spot.

As if he was able to hear Yuu’s inner monologue, Yutaka twisted his body so he was properly facing Yuu, not even attempting to break the hold Yuu had on his wrist. “I tried to stay away, I tried to keep you _all_ out of my life, but Aki…he’s kind of family now.” Mocha eyes flickered down to the band on his ring finger, Yuu’s heart dropped in his chest. “And you know with Aki comes Kou, they’re kind of like a packaged deal.”

Yutaka tried to break the tense atmosphere by offering up a small smile but, at the moment, nothing could cure Yuu’s stilled heart.

The brunet’s words answered so much but nothing at all. Instantly, Yuu understood the situation of Yutaka’s new found brotherhood with Akira. Akira’s younger sister. Her crush on Yutaka was something she had made more than obvious in their teen years, but was something Yuu always laughed about and shrugged off, knowing Yutaka would always stay by his side. But according to that ring wrapped so snuggly around Yutaka’s finger, his predictions had been proven wrong. 

What he truly couldn’t wrap his mind around was _why_ had Yutaka tried to remove himself from his group of friends? There was obviously nothing he could do about the marriage. It was done and over with and he knew it would probably take another decade before he could fully accept that he’d lost Yutaka in the romantic sense for the rest of forever. Friendship though, there was still a chance he could save what was left of their crumbling relationship, even if it meant him suffering whilst watching Yutaka happy with someone else. 

Removing his grip from around the brunet’s wrist, Yuu gently interlaced their fingers, placing his opposing hand on Yutaka’s thigh and watching with a great delight as the other flinched unknowingly under the bold touch. “But why did you disappear, Yutaka? We had so much going for us,” he paused to lean in, watching as the rise and fall of Yutaka’s chest visibly increased. His cheek skirted against the brunet’s as he closed those few centimeters between them, and it was only when he was able to feel the warmth radiating off of Yutaka’s skin did he whisper his next words. “I loved you more than anything…”

Yutaka’s body shuddered, the deep breath he inhaled as his forehead fell against Yuu’s shoulder echoing into the dark of the night. He could feel Yutaka’s hands grip onto his light t-shirt, nails practically claws as he held on for dear life, body trembling against him. His back shook and Yuu unconsciously lifted the hand on Yutaka’s thigh, beginning to rub circles on the brunet’s back, worried but pleased with how his words had affected him. He could feel Yutaka’s heavy breathing against his skin, could smell the combination of his spicy body wash mixed with a thin layer of sweat as he buried his face in the crook of his neck. And when Yutaka’s arms finally wrapped around him in that assuring way they hadn’t changed since high school, Yuu found himself gasping, especially when Yutaka lifted his mouth and pressed his lips directly against his ear, muttering something that was so laden with remorse, so broken and meaningful, that Yuu found his entire world of rage crumbling right before his very eyes.

“ _I’m so sorry_.”

Yutaka’s breaths were harsh, yet Yuu could still feel the hefty weight disentangle itself from those fear stricken words, Yutaka apparently having held them in for years. The raw quality added so much, verified Yutaka’s words as nothing but the truth, and Yuu’s body began humming with a lifelike quality he hadn’t felt since his teen years.

He was so beyond content at that moment, felt as if he could reach out and touch the stars. He came tonight wanting to demand answers, needing to know exactly what went down that decade ago that made it so easy for Yutaka to completely evict himself from his life. But as his hands laced around his trembling back, as he felt streams of moisture slowly begin to teem down his neck as Yutaka continued to bury his face into his warm skin, hiding what he was feeling from the rest of the world by using Yuu as a protection from his own vulnerability, Yuu knew that for now, that whispered sentence was more than enough for him. 

“You’re crying,” he observed, allowing his eyes to close peacefully as everything Yutaka took over each in every sense, his hands still moving in circles on the brunet’s back.

Yutaka had always been strong. His ability to create a mask against pesky emotions having far surpassed Yuu’s own. The only time Yuu had ever seen him shed a single tear was their senior year when the combined stress from juggling advanced classes, family, and a social life finally came crashing down on him, tears streaking down his cheeks before he could even fully register what was going on. But, even then, those tears had been unintentional, having been quickly cleared once Yuu had offered to give him a massage; a massage that had resulted in his lips wrapped around Yutaka, bringing him to a land of bliss where stress was nonexistent. 

“I’m not,” Yutaka replied back quickly, his shuddering coming to a sudden halt. 

Yuu was able to easily feel the tension growing in the brunet’s back as he forced himself to stop with the tears. Stubborn. As easy going and carefree as Yutaka had always been, his stubbornness always proved to be his characteristic downfall which Yuu found himself unable to get enough of. Fights that lasted for eons would erupt because Yutaka was too stubborn to admit that he needed time, help, or even space. But following those fights came the part of making up, something Yuu always thoroughly enjoyed. Whether it had been in the form of buying Yutaka something he’d been desiring for a long while or even heady gratification through raunchy make up sex; their makeup sessions were always so tender and emotionally thought provoking, Yuu loving Yutaka even more with each apology.

“Ok, you’re not.” He actually found himself smiling, hands cupping the back of Yutaka’s head and stroking through brunet that was still just as soft as ever. Yutaka’s face was still bright and warm against his neck and for the first time since they’d been separated, Yuu actually felt at peace. 

Yutaka’s arms around his waist. His arms around Yutaka. Everything was perfect, just as it should be. But then Yuu remembered all that had gone wrong, could feel that ridged ring dig into his back as Yutaka clasped tightly to the shirt in a hold that was relentless. 

That was all it took.

Suddenly, Yutaka’s apology was meaningless. There was no kissing and making up this time. Yutaka was married; married to Akira’s little sister. He had a life Yuu could no longer be a part of and the realization allowed his earlier anger to begin to rebuild. Yutaka was the one he would always love, but that didn’t mean he could necessarily forgive him for all the pain he’s caused. 

“Yutaka…do you love her?”

The question was out before he could even stop it. At this point, he was already in last place, so any hesitance from earlier completely washed away. He could walk away from this with Yutaka either all dimples and smiles or tears and words of anger. Either way, it just didn’t matter anymore. He was going to get answers to every damn question he had whether it killed him or not. 

Yutaka’s light breaths came to a stop, the grip on Yuu’s shirt tightening. Unburying himself from the little cocoon he made in Yuu’s neck, his face beyond red, eyes slightly swollen. But no longer was there a trace of tears available. 

Doe eyes looked at Yuu pleadingly, silently begging him not to force him to answer the question, but Yuu _had_ to know and was done skirting around. Finally, after a long moment of silence, Yutaka flicked his tongue across his lips, moistening his dry tiers and uttering his carefully placed together words. “I…I appreciate her.”

Yuu hated himself for the rollercoaster of emotions he was feeling right now, but Yutaka’s answer automatically filled him with a dim sense of hope that he just got finished telling himself was no longer possible. Grabbing Yutaka’s hand, unfolding them from around his waist so he could lace their fingers together, grasping tightly in anticipation. “But do you _love_ her?”

Something dark and heavy shone in Yutaka’s eyes, the secret the brunet was keeping to himself attempting to breach the surface. They refused to look away from one another, and when that sheepish smile of Yutaka’s stretched across his thin lips, Yuu knew. He knew that all those years he spent suffering, he hadn’t been suffering alone.

Yutaka didn’t bother with a proper answer. Instead his smile only deepened and he pulled away from Yuu. Reaching to his left, he pulled the little tin box into his lap. “I think it’s time we went through this.” That smile refused to leave, having transformed from sheepish to roguish in such a short amount of time. And, somehow, Yuu understood. This box, it wasn’t just a promise made between five friends over a decade ago. Yutaka hadn’t come up with the promise so they could all meet up later down the road and laugh at how stupid they’d been in their younger years.

Everything this little tin contained, it was a reflection.

Everyone in their group of five had locked away a little piece of themselves they never wished to forget. A piece of themselves that no matter how much life threw at them and changed their forms, they could come back and remember. It was something they never wanted to give up on, always wanted to keep a part of their life, and when Yuu remembered just what it was he shoved into that tiny box on the evening of their graduation night that decade ago, he couldn’t help but mimic Yutaka’s smile.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annnnd, here we have part II! I didn't have nearly as much time to re-edit this, but I did what I could and any mistake(s) are (hopefully!) minor.

“Three days ISS for drawing male genitalia on the white board with permanent marker.” Yuu was barely able to read the sentence out loud, his strong laughter interrupting every other word as his hand turned up to cover his full mouth. Yutaka next to him was laughing just as hard, their bodies doubling over in joy and brushing against each other. Mind completely free from earlier foreboding thoughts, Yuu felt like a teenager again, the faded paper trembling violently in his hand as he continued to laugh.

Upon opening the box that had been sealed for over a decade, the first thing the pair of matching mocha eyes fell upon was a clear plastic Ziploc bag, stretched a few inches thick due to the amount of paper shoved inside. Without even having to pick up the bag, Yuu already began laughing, instantly recognizing it as the mound of detention slips Taka had insisted on putting in the night of their graduation. 

Without any hesitation, Yutaka recommended they read through each and every one of them, and for the past half an hour that’s exactly what they’d done. The slips started out almost innocently; two days of lunch detention for skipping class, after school work detail for not turning in classwork. But as the years progressed, apparently so did Taka’s guts, and now here they were with dicks being drawn on white boards.

“What the hell was wrong with Taka?” Yutaka’s breaths were practically nonexistent, and when Yuu looked to the brunet he found tears of joy rolling down his face, cheeks red from the obvious lack of oxygen he was taking in. Yuu knew that if any former classmates actually decided to journey out towards the soccer field, they’d easily be able to hear their laughter from the distance, probably assuming them to be drunk with how obnoxious they sounded. Though, at the moment, Yuu just couldn’t care. He had waited so long to have this kind of moment again. To be free, happy. To sit beside Yutaka and laugh so carelessly. To hear that laughter that sounded angelic and could bring him to the highest of heights. It was riveting, all thoughts of marriage and betrayal erased from his mind, replaced with boisterous laughter and dimples and mile wide smiles alike.

“He was probably trying to prove a point that had something to do with maturity and how the class should’ve been able to continue on properly even with a giant dick sprawled across the board.” Yuu chuckled, setting down the current paper and reaching for the next, only to pause when he felt a set of hands curl around his upper arm, a head resting on his shoulder following soon after.

Yutaka had always been extremely physically affectionate; the sexual trials and tribulations he unintentionally put Yuu through in the month before they began dating very much proof of that. A friendly hug that lasted ten seconds too long, insisting on using his lap as a pillow during lunch and the brunet burying his face against the part of Yuu’s body that became annoyingly sensitive whenever he was around. It was a form of torture that had led him to finally jumping Yutaka in the locker room one day, the pair having been the only two lingering around after school hours since they’d volunteered to clean up the gym equipment; their quick shower to wash off the sweat turning into a drawn out one the moment Yuu’s lips melded onto Yutaka’s own. 

His thoughts brought a fire blazing in his stomach, Yutaka’s small embrace no longer feeling innocent. They had too much of a past, had done too much together, for Yuu to completely bypass the intimate gesture and not be affected. The world around him was suddenly slowing; the breeze coming to a pause, the tree branches no longer swaying. All he could feel was the top of Yutaka’s head nuzzle into his neck, feel those hands tighten around his arm as Yutaka made himself comfortable. All he could hear was his once again pounding heart, now grateful that he hadn’t been able to reach for another paper, because now the laughter had stopped and his hands were visibly trembling for another reason.

“Remember when we had that big fight? How Taka basically burst into our math class and kidnapped us and locked us in a closet until we made up?” Yutaka’s laugh died halfway through his question, Yuu able to feel the other’s hesitance. Honestly, Yutaka had probably began asking the question out of pure curiosity alone, wondering if Yuu remembered the event that almost got Takanori expelled from school. But midway through his query, it was apparent he remembered what went on in that closet after they’d sat in there for over two hours talking things through, only to apologize in the way they knew best. 

There’d been deep kisses, hands all over each other’s bodies, and the thrill factor that Takanori was right outside, guarding the door and able to hear every single whisper and moan. They’d barely been able to get their pants re-buckled and a quick clean up in before they heard Taka arguing with an adviser outside, breaths still uneven and sweat drenching their bodies when the door came flying open and they were slammed with two weeks of clean up duty for debauching school property. 

“I…I remember,” Yuu answered, tilting his head downwards and meeting brown doe eyes. There they were, staring at him with that affection he’d been deprived of for so long, it taking everything in him to not push Yutaka back onto the plush grass and ravish his body just as he had in that janitor’s closet their senior year. “I remember it well.”

The crimson that shot across Yutaka’s cheeks was well noted, the brunet hurriedly pushing himself off of Yuu and putting some distance between them, reaching back into the tin box and smiling at the object he pulled out. “This was Kou’s, wasn’t it?” In his hand was a pocket sized dictionary. Dust coated the entire front cover and the edges were fraying, but with just one quick glance, Yuu was able to verify that, yes, the small book surely was Kouyou’s. 

There was never a time throughout their high school career their quiet friend would be seen without it, Kouyou always having been one for literature; forever learning new words to silently insult Akira with.

Reaching a hand out, Yuu grabbed the resource book from Yutaka, their hands brushing together with the small transaction. Both of them stilled for a moment, losing themselves and the meager amount of control they had to such a simple touch, before Yuu shook himself back to reality. Running his thumbs over the dust and clearing the bold print on the cover, he smiled, turning to Yutaka and answering his question. “Sure is. Kou wouldn’t go anywhere without this. I swear to this day, he was attempting to learn every insult out there so he could totally verbally slaughter Akira and turn him silent for good one day.”

A chuckle. “It would be a relief if he could do that now. Aki’s even worse off than he was in high school. Sometimes, I’m tempted to punch him just so he’ll shut the hell up.” Yutaka stretched his legs and folded his arms underneath his head, turning his vision to the stars. “I love him, he’s family, but my god, he doesn’t seem to understand the definition of quiet time.”

Yuu tried hard to focus on Yutaka’s words, to form a sentence that could substitute as at least part of a reply, but the brunet’s new found position proved to be nothing but a distraction. Yutaka’s white shirt covered in dirt and sticking to his skin, showing lean muscle on the one part Yuu hadn’t been able to have a proper view of earlier; his abdomen. The sleeves of his shirt tightened drastically with his arms now folded, appearing as a pillow, and Yuu was able to see stretched veins and sinew arches that would have had his teenage mind boiling with lust. He had to keep reminding himself that Yutaka was married. That of all people, Yutaka was married to Akira’s little sister. That those ten years ago Yutaka had uprooted himself from his life with no form of explanation and that the brunet was still dancing around giving him a proper excuse. But it was _hard_ , so damn hard, when all he wanted to do was hold Yutaka close and never let go.

“Do you-do you see Akira often?” Yuu asked. Setting Kouyou’s mini dictionary to the side and trailing his gaze up and down Yutaka’s entire body, the brunet oblivious to his gawking as his eyes were closed and a small smile tugged at the corners of his lips.

“Hmm, almost every day. Our kids go to the same day care, so we usually pick them up together.” 

There was another blow to his heart. Yutaka was married. Yutaka had a kid. He went and built an entire life and left Yuu to drift idly in the unknown, hoping and praying nightly that one day Yutaka would make his way back to him. All those years of buoyant expectance, those sleepless nights where the smallest of noises had him running to the front door, believing Yutaka had finally made his way home. It was all false hope and Yuu could already feel himself begin to sink.

“…Kids?” His question was laced with so much sorrow that, almost as soon as it was out, Yutaka’s eyes shot open, looking at him as if he had just revealed the world’s biggest secret. It was a slip up, there was no other way around it. Yutaka would have continued to leave Yuu in the dark about his son or daughter and Yuu couldn’t possibly figure out why. Was it because he knew the fact would hurt him even more? Did Yutaka actually still care about how he felt? Was Yutaka trying to keep him safe?

Yutaka sat up, nodding his head and biting his bottom lip, curling his body into a ball and resting his head on his knees. “Y-yeah…Aki has a five year old boy named Ryo and I have a sweet three year old little girl.”

“What’s her name?” Yuu questioned, needing to know and feeling a knot form in his stomach. There were so many a times where he and Yutaka had talked about adopting in the future. They were both naturally good with kids, having even taken on joint babysitting jobs together during school not just for the cash, but because they’d honestly enjoyed being around children; it was almost like a glimpse into the future of what they could’ve had together. 

So many school nights of babysitting until well after midnight, of having to walk home near exhausted. There were those times where Yuu would walk Yutaka all the way across town and return him home, leaving him for the evening with a soft kiss to the cheek. Then there were those nights when that walk proved to be too much and Yutaka would call up his parents to tell them that he was working on a school project with a friend; that he would just stay the night at their house. Those nights had proved to be Yuu’s favorite, because it was always certain that he and Yutaka would crawl into his small twin sized bed together and cuddle up close, only to crash within minutes of saying goodnight to each other; Yuu able to wake up the next morning to that warm dazzling smile.

“Yuuki…” A small whisper, forcing Yuu to become uncertain of what to feel. 

Should he be honored? Crushed? Should he feel betrayed or loved? Because even if Yutaka’s mind was swiped of every detail of his life, Yuu _knows_ there was no way the brunet could ever forget the conversation they had as they lay entangled in hotel bed sheets, both having just lost their virginity. How his fingers traced Yutaka’s glistening skin and how they’d happily discussed names of their future children. Yuu wanted to name their first child after himself, but Yutaka had wanted only a girl, stating that he knew just what teenage boys were capable thanks to Yuu, joking that if he had to put up with that kind of behavior, he would end up in an early grave. 

They had teasingly kissed and rolled around in the cheap hotel room they could barely afford, the water bed Yutaka had been thrilled about sloshing messily around them with each movement. And when Yuu had finally pinned Yutaka back beneath him, when his lips were bruisingly working velvety neck skin and giving the world proof of their forbidden activities, Yuu had suddenly lifted his gaze to meet Yutaka’s own, both panting from the building pleasure, sluggishly suggesting ‘Yuuki’. Yutaka had bellowed out one of his addictive laughs and laced his arms around Yuu’s neck, mumbling an ‘Ok’ before crashing their lips back together; smile never once leaving.

“Yuuki?” Yuu asked and Yutaka looked away, fingers beginning to distractedly play with sharp glades of grass again. The brunet had fallen back into his self-defense mode and Yuu knew the other would try to dodge questions again if he delved in too deep, a thought he couldn’t bear. They’d been having such a nice evening since beginning to dig through the contents of the box and Yuu didn’t want to ruin that. So, instead of pushing forward on the topic, he swallowed down all his deep seated emotions with force, his next words whispered with a thin layer of serene pain. “That’s a nice name.”

Yutaka glanced back his way, offering a small half smile as his shoulders continued to sulk. “T-thanks,” he mumbled, before reaching across Yuu and grabbing the next object from the box. That small half smile of his quickly morphed into one of full radiance as his hands slid over the bold print of the pocket sized trophy in his grip. Without even having to look it over properly, Yuu knew exactly who the pint sized trinket belonged to.

“I swear, it was hell week when Akira won that damn thing,” he chuckled, reaching over and kindly snatching the trophy from Yutaka’s hands. He swirled the gold structure in his hands, looking at it from all angles, before stretching his arms and holding it out and front of him, it now on proper display for both he and Yutaka to see. “Most desirable, my ass. I’m still certain he rigged those damn superlative votes to go in his favor.”

Yutaka giggled hard, a barely noticeable snort escaping him and turning the smile up on Yuu’s lips even more. “Yuu, we went to a school that was like 90 percent girls, do you really think Akira’s bad ass attitude wouldn’t attract them? I think it’s safe to say he won his votes fair and square,” he grabbed the trophy back, grinning at it delightfully.

“You’re only saying that because you had a mad crush on him just like all the rest of the girls.” Yuu chided mockingly, remembering well how flustered Yutaka had become around Akira every time their chatty friend would teasingly ruffle his hair.

“That’s because he was the only one nice to me when I first transferred here!” Yutaka’s laughter continued to echo throughout the starry night, his entire body trembling in joy. The trophy now lay by his side and Yuu simply stared, Yutaka still forever that teenage boy he fell so deeply in love with within four months after his transfer.

From the very moment he had laid his eyes on Yutaka, Yuu knew there was something special about him. Everything about him was pure. His excessive niceness, the way he put everybody else’s needs before his own. Yutaka was adamant, even going as far as pushing himself to near exhaustion to make sure those held closest to him were getting the attention he deemed necessary. If someone from their close knit group fell ill, Yutaka would push aside his studies and dote on them with warm soup and cold wash clothes until their fever began to die down. If someone needed to borrow money, he would give them everything he had and plus some, even going as far as searching through the cracks of couches and floorboards to find any excess change.

Yuu strictly remembers the first time he ever saw a crack in that pureness. He remembers watching that smile slowly die down and the brunet turning silent, his heart broken when he realized Akira would forever treat him only as a little brother and nothing more. It was from that moment Yuu knew he had to put an end to his shenanigans; that he could no longer tease Yutaka in his boyish ways of showing affection. He had to put an end to it all, finally prove to the cheery brunet that his words of distaste were used as a mask of his own to hide the fumbling feeling’s he’d felt since Yutaka had transferred. 

“Hey, I had to be a dick. I was a boy and I thought you were cute. Being nice just wasn’t an option.” Yuu snorted, amused. Everything had changed for the better after he started treating Yutaka as an actual friend. There were more amiable touches, Yutaka opened up around him more, laughed more. 

“You thought I was…cute?” And Yuu couldn’t really blame Yutaka for questioning his statement. After they’d started dating, Yuu would constantly remind Yutaka just how adorable he found him to be. He would complement him and practically drown him in love even within the weeks leading up to their actual relationship beginning. But anything before that? Nothing but friendly insults, ending in Yutaka replying with a nervous chuckle, really unsure as to how to respond.

“Yeah, why else would I have asked you out?” Yuu asked. Picking up the small trophy, he stood it upright by the tin box, and when he turned his gaze back on Yutaka, he found reminiscing doe eyes staring right back at him.

“I thought - I just thought you felt bad for me,” Yutaka rubbed the back of his head nervously, an unsure smile spreading across his lips. Yuu was reminded of the days when Yutaka acted cautious around him, it becoming something extremely unsettling in the pit of his stomach. Yes, when the whole Akira situation went down, Yuu _had_ felt sorry for Yutaka, but that wasn’t the reason he changed how he acted towards him. He saw Yutaka’s crush on Akira slowly dwindle away down to nothing, acceptance taking over that they could never be, and that’s when Yuu had spotted his opportune moment. If Yutaka’s feelings for Akira had died down, that meant he finally had a chance with the peacekeeper of their rowdy group. Wanting to erase the current unleveled expression from the brunet’s face, Yuu lifted his hand and squeezed the other’s shoulder, offering an amused grin.

“Yutaka, remember how you were surprised that you actually received one vote for the freshmen superlatives at the end of our first year?”

“Y-yeah. It was for best smile.” Yutaka showed just why it was he received that vote, a grin that displayed those pearly whites and deepened his single dimple appearing on his still youthful features.

Yuu chuckled, squeezing his hand tighter around Yutaka’s shoulder, bringing their stares to match. A short moment of tense quiet lamented their surroundings as they took one another in, and then Yuu finally uttered, “I was that one vote…”

Yutaka’s mouth opened and closed a few times, words forming only to get swallowed. When Yuu’s hand unconsciously slid down his shoulder and rested lightly against the brunet’s waist, his face scrunched up into confusion; forehead wrinkling and eyes squinting. “But before we went out you always told me I smiled too much and that it was irritating…”

“Yeah, but that was because your smile…affected me,” his words were out before he could even stop them, easily able to feel Yutaka’s body tense after his sudden confession. 

He went to pull his hand away, to break any and all contact between them before things became too awkward and they couldn’t go back to that peaceful atmosphere they were both experiencing earlier, but the moment he went to remove his hand, he felt familiar fingers wrap around his wrist. When he nervously looked up into Yutaka’s eyes, he saw mischievousness dancing behind mocha, an elfin grin across thin lips. “Are you trying to say my smile made you hard?”

Yuu’s face flushed and he ripped his wrist from Yutaka’s hold, smiling shyly as he laced his fingers together in order to now keep his hands to himself. 

“I practically had to run home after school every day to fix my little problem,” he answered honestly, still somewhat embarrassed at Yutaka’s rather vulgar question. Here he’d been thinking that almost nothing had changed all these years, that Yutaka was one in the same. But the Yutaka he knew would never speak like that. He’d been shy and almost afraid to express his desires, but this Yutaka? He was bold and allowed his words and presence to carry a sexual aura, something Yuu concluded only made the brunet all the more desirable; sending his heart back racing and body humming.

“Your problem wasn’t anywhere near little, trust me.” 

As soon as this new side to Yutaka had appeared it had just as quickly diminished, the brunet’s doe eyes widening even larger than usual and face paling as he realized words he obviously meant to keep to himself were now out in the open. Yuu’s raging fit of emotions only intensified; getting to see both the new and the old Yutaka sending his body a crazed. Neither of the pair new exactly what to say; Yutaka too flustered and Yuu too busy trying to control his mess of sensibility, so an uncanny silence breached the air, one Yuu was grateful that Yutaka decided to timidly break. “Yuu, why didn’t you ever tell me any of this?” He asked, referring to all the new information Yuu had dumped on him in the last few minutes.

Yuu sighed. “Because it wasn’t important.”

“Why not?” Yutaka asked softly, placing a warm palm over Yuu’s laced together fingers, sending Yuu’s heart rampart.

Yuu froze under the touch, simply watching Yutaka’s dirt covered hand lay over his own, the affectionate gesture reminding him of how they once were, of how much he craved to have this again. Hooded eyes remained downcast, a fire burning inside as that damn ring came back into view and taunted him. “Because once you agreed to go out with me, I figured nothing from the past would matter.”

“Why’s that?” Yutaka’s grip became firmer.

Yuu swallowed hard, finally tearing his gaze from their connected hands. Looking at Yutaka, tears of every emotion he’d been holding back for the last decade watered behind his dark irises, refusing to let them fall as he spoke in a near whisper. “Because I saw you as my only future…”

He didn’t want Yutaka to notice how hard their conversation hit him, but he knew it was inevitable; Yutaka always the observer. Yutaka was supposed to be with him. They should’ve shown up to this reunion together tonight, holding hands and greeting their friends with deep-seated smiles. But instead they had shown up one at a time, the loneliness Yuu had been suffering these past ten years reaching such a point of agony when he realized he would’ve waited another ten years to be in Yutaka’s presence again. If that were the case, it all would have been all the more heart wrenching, knowing instead of just one kid Yutaka had it would be five, giving Yutaka four more reasons to never want anything to do with him again.

He could see the weary emotion in the brunet’s eyes, Yuu wanting nothing more than the reach over and envelope him in an embrace; more for his own selfish needs than anything. Yutaka was doing a better job at keeping his tears to himself this go around, sniffling a quick sniffle before turning his back to Yuu and rubbing at his eyes. When he turned back around his eyes were swollen, but that was really the only lingering trace that tears had ever formed, another sheepish smile on his lips becoming his new mask. “Let’s finish going through this, alright?” He tapped the corner of the box and Yuu nodded numbly, reaching forward and taking a flimsy Polaroid out. 

Yuu tittered upon scanning the picture, instantly recognizing it as his contribution to the time capsule. Eyes scrunching up, the streams he’d been holding back finally fell, not even bringing himself to care anymore. “I used to hate this picture so much.” Using his sleeve to wipe away the evidence of misery, he handed the portrait off to Yutaka and listened as he chuckled softly.

If looked upon by anyone else’s eyes who wasn’t in their small group, the picture would have looked quite simple. There the group was, by the very same sakura tree Yuu and Yutaka now sat by, each adding their own personal quirk to the image. Kouyou was off in a far corner working on some homework, Taka was laid on his back with his face to the sun; bold glasses taking up his entire face. Only half of Akira’s head had made it into the picture, the chatterbox having been the one to take the picture at such an odd angle, and then there was Yuu. He sat with music sheets in his lap, biting the tip of a pen, his watch fixedly placed on Yutaka who sat a few steps away from him. The brunet’s head was thrown back in laughter and he honestly looked down right ridiculous, yet the way Yuu gazed at him was almost indescribable. Under the frustration he wore for being unable to complete the assignment for his music appreciation class, there was a look of understanding and want, a look that was meant for only Yutaka. The snapshot had captured him looking almost weak and vulnerable, his emotions on full display. The second pair of best friends and his own had noticed his raw desire the second the Polaroid had cleared, beginning to laugh and tease him. But then there was Yutaka who, although usually observant, seemed to be nothing but aloof that day.

“This is from before we started dating, right?” Yutaka asked, running his thumbs over the glossy surface, refusing to take his eyes off the image.

Yuu cleared his throat and wiped off his face again, determined to veil his feelings but knowing Yutaka noticed the very moment those tears started back up when he became persistent in sending him worried looks. Sending off a reassuring smile, he softly said, “It was actually the day we-”

“Shared our first kiss…” Yutaka completed, sounding as if he were in a trance.

And it was that very reason Yuu had despised the image so much. It was a love-hate relationship he had with this picture – just as he now did with Yutaka. He loved what it represented; the start to what he thought to be the rest of his life, but he hated that it had all been nothing but lies.

But still, he never regretted placing the image in the box. Because although holding onto his love for Yutaka is what destroyed him for this past decade, it’s also the very thing that kept him going.

“Yeah,” Yuu didn’t really know what to say, feeling drained of all energy and tired of Yutaka’s games. They went from friendly, to overly friendly, to nothing but tense far too many times this evening, leaving Yuu mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. 

He was so far gone, he didn’t even register Yutaka’s hand curl itself around his cheek until they were facing each other, foreheads near touching. They gawked deep, memories of the past silently passing between them. That hand around his cheek slid up to the back of his hair and pressed their faces closer, so close each could feel the tears trailing down their cheeks combine. Their breathing became heavy, heads naturally titling, and before Yuu could stop Yutaka, he allowed him to close the distance between them, their lips meeting for the first time in ten years.

Forbidden was the first word to come to Yuu’s mind. The way Yutaka was slowly moving his lips over his still ones, moistening his mouth with desperation for the needy intimate touch. The little hums he made as he continued to move, losing himself in the act even as Yuu sat there despondent. Yutaka’s eyes fluttered shut and Yuu could feel his eyelashes against his cheek, feeling a tongue prod at the scar on his lip and hearing Yutaka mumble a plead breaking his stagnant façade. He slowly shifted his hands to Yutaka’s shoulders and griped tight, pulling him closer. Eyes shutting as he opened his mouth and began to respond, body about to burst.

He never thought he would feel this sensation again. Yutaka’s lips were still just as soft, they even tasted exactly the same. Something sweet with a slight mixture of iron, Yutaka always having been one to bite his lips when worried, happy, or even sad. Yuu’s body was shaking. His grip on Yutaka was loosening, unable to keep hold due to trembling hands. But Yutaka’s grasp remained strong, twisting in his hair and bringing them closer, tongue slipping between Yuu’s lips and beginning to explore.

Yuu groaned, following Yutaka’s movements and allowing their tongues to tangle. He knew the right thing to do would be to push Yutaka away, but raw need easily won out against what was right, Yuu’s body now eager to respond. All the times they’d been together had always been intense, but this languid, heated kiss outdid everything. Because now Yuu was certain Yutaka had missed him desperately all these years, was certain from this point forward that things would change drastically.

His trembling hands fell to Yutaka’s thighs, massaging lightly, and that’s when their heated contact came to an end. Yutaka practically ripped their lips apart, a thin string of saliva and their labored breathing proof that what had just happened wasn’t due to Yuu’s vivid imagination. 

Yuu needed to understand what was going on more than anything, but he was too afraid to speak upon taking in Yutaka’s almost terrified features. He knew the brunet was just now taking in full what he’d done, and Yuu was waiting for that crushing moment where Yutaka would up and run and he would never see him again. So, he sat there with his hands still on the other’s thighs, wanting to remember every touch and feel, trying to control his breathing that was only worsening due to the rapid anxiety he felt building within.

“Yuu…” he began shutting down, readying himself for that deathly blow. Yutaka grabbed his shoulders and pushed him up, slowly rubbing the pads of his fingers under clenched shut eyes, silently begging Yuu to open them. “I—the last item in the box is mine. It’s a video.” Yuu was confused and curious, but still he couldn’t bring himself to look directly at the brunet, his soft voice wanting to be something he left untainted. “I’ve always planned to watch it with you and that’s obviously something we can’t do out here, so…” Yutaka paused, brushing his lips back against Yuu’s before whispering, “Come back to my hotel room with me?”

Yuu’s eyes shot open as soon as he no longer felt Yutaka’s touch, spying the other sat back on his haunches and giving him a smile that spoke so much more than his words. He didn’t know what to say, what to do, so he just sat there, watching as Yutaka stood and began gathering their items of reminisce back into the tin box. After that kiss, he knew following Yutaka back to his hotel room was the wrong choice. Yutaka had broken his heart and stomped on it repeatedly. He was married with a kid, had an entire life that Yuu was no longer a part of. They were practically strangers with nothing but a past. 

But, that past drove their emotions strong and there was no doubt what would happen if they both stepped foot into that hotel room.

“You coming?” Yutaka asked innocently over his shoulder, the box stuffed away under his arm as he began walking back towards the soccer field that could be cut across to reach the parking lot.

Throwing all caution to the wind, deciding he’d let himself be happy even if only for this one night, Yuu stood. He allowed Yutaka to walk a few more meters in front of him, watching him step across the plush green. With an empty mind, he allowed all tension to leave his body, licking his lips and tasting the brunet, beginning to quickly cross the field. 

When he reached the cross section that led either to the parking lot or the path to the city streets, he paused to heavily weigh his decisions. If he turned left, he would be walking away from it all, be able to live his life in the monotone silence he has all these years. But if he turned right, he would be walking into the future he’s always wanted. It would be short lived, possibly lasting only a few hours, but at least he’d finally get a taste of a decade’s worth of desire. 

A blare echoed, breaking his train of thoughts and forcing Yuu to turn his head towards the right. There Yutaka stood, half way in his car, hand obviously on the horn. A light smile was there and he was practically begging Yuu with his mocha eyes to get in; a sense of desperation shining through his radiant expression. 

And it was then Yuu’s decision was finally cemented.

Shoving his hands into his pockets, he strode across the small barrier, finally making it to Yutaka’s car. They stared at one another seriously over the top before their lips quirked into smiles, each man taking their respective seats in the vehicle before silently driving off into the night.


	3. Chapter 3

The moment they pulled up to the front of the hotel, Yuu was slammed with another vivid remembrance.

As a teen, his parents had always been accepting. By the time he was twelve, he was already partially out to them, telling them he was unsure; that he was confused as to how his body reacted sometimes. But, by the time fifteen rolled around, he was completely certain of his sexuality, his parents accepting with an easy heart. 

Yutaka’s parents, on the other hand, had viewed anything that was even slightly indifferent as sacrifice to the devil himself. He’d been absolutely terrified of his parents finding out his preference towards boys, it going left unsaid from the very beginning his relationship with Yuu had to be kept secret. Yutaka hadn’t wanted anyone to know aside from those in their close knit group of friends, not even Yuu’s parents, who would’ve welcomed him into their home with open arms. It’d been difficult, especially when their relationship had reached an all-time height of a physicality, the secrecy having forced them to find locations other than their own homes to be intimate with one other in – the hotel looming before them having been their own personal little slice of heaven. 

The car stopped completely, the tumbling sounds of the ignition slowly fading out. Yuu’s body stiffened.

This was real. This was going to happen. 

The very thoughts sent him into a frenzy; heart jumping up in his throat and nearly choking, only able to step out of the car due to Yutaka coming around to his side, opening the door, and kindly grabbing his hand. The brunet directed him through the vacant aisles, Yuu’s gaze remaining focused only on their clasped together hands and the box crammed under Yutaka’s arm. Led up a flight of steps and down the alley to the door numbered 207, Yuu had to smile. Of course it was 207; 207 was _their_ room.

A gust of freeze hit them as soon as they entered, Yuu knowing it was always Yutaka’s first task to turn the air down to the lowest degree possible whenever they’d booked a room together in the past. Every time Yuu had asked him why he was so insistent on freezing them out, Yutaka had simply giggled, claiming he liked the cold. It only took a few tumbles in the sheets in the icy room for him to realize Yutaka’s actions actually carried an underlying meaning; the brunet using the cold to continuously snuggle up to Yuu and steal whatever bit of body warmth he had to offer.

“Do you want something to drink?” Yutaka asked. Setting the box down on the small table, he crossed the room and opened the mini fridge, grabbing two of the mini bottles of vodka. Yuu sat on the edge of the bed, feeling the mattress shift and slosh under his weight, keeping himself distracted as he scanned the room and realized nothing had changed. “Here,” Yutaka was back in front of him, handing him a bottle and sitting next to him so that their sides were touching. Yuu fidgeted, opening his bottle and downing a little more than half of it in one gulp.

They both sat there for a while in silence, taking sips of the strong liquor until their bottles completely emptied. Yuu could feel Yutaka’s body heat radiate all around them and it drove him near delirious. He was expecting things to start back up right where they left them back at the grassy area of the school, for their lips to be glued together, bodies grinding, all allowing him to fill the emptiness he felt. But, instead, here they were, brushing skin over skin with innocence, not advancing. He was beginning to think that maybe he was wrong. That maybe Yutaka had truly changed completely, that digging into their past had only brought to the surface the boy who he once was for a few hours, that now the Yutaka he cared about so deeply was gone, locked away forever in a tiny cage within.

He was trying to think of an excuse to up and leave, feeling foolish for ever believing the rulers of this cruel world would allow him even a tiny section of light into his life that was surrounded in nothing but darkness. He opened his mouth, getting ready to form words still unknown, but then he found the brunet looking up and smiling at him, stilling when he felt lips on his cheek.

“You’re nervous…” Yutaka chuckled, landing a hand on Yuu’s thigh, causing him to stop breathing. He hadn’t realized how close they were until he felt Yutaka’s tongue flick across the shell of his ear with each new syllable. He went to respond, but was cut off abruptly when Yutaka’s hand slid up his thigh, inching closer to his cock that, by this point, was beginning to get affected by the most minuscule of touches. He gasped as lips grazed his neck, a butterfly touch that was almost nonexistent.

“You’re married…” Yuu muttered, lids turning heavy and vision fading. Because no matter how much he wanted this, that little fact wouldn’t leave him be. His own life had already been destroyed, he didn’t want to be the cause of someone else’s downfall, especially Yutaka’s. 

Soft hair brushed across his neck, those smooth lips again making a ghostly appearance before a full kiss was planted against the strong vein there, Yuu sure his blood was boiling so fast it could be felt through the firm touch. The hand on his cock began less subtle movements, the material of his slacks scratchy against Yutaka’s hand. Then, simultaneously, Yutaka nipped at his neck and pressed his hand down fully, dragging a ragged groan from Yuu’s throat as he was pushed back onto the cool bed and his waist was straddled; their miniature bottles now laying forgotten on the floor. 

Yutaka’s hands were resting above his head, trying to level out the bed’s rapid movements, their faces close and lips brushing. Pure lust radiated in those deep eyes of Yutaka’s, a look Yuu had become accustomed to in the past. Their lips lightly connected before Yutaka tilted his head and broke contact, quietly whispering, “I’m only married back home. Here? I’m all yours...”

Those words were all it took. 

Yuu released any hesitance, his hands coming to a rest on Yutaka’s hips as their lips crashed together and they kissed deeply. Their movements were frantic, arousal constantly building as their hardening erections ground together heatedly, Yutaka moaning into the kiss. Yuu’s fingers danced up and down that trim waist, hands eventually gliding up under light fabric and caressing toned stomach. He traced every line there, impressed with the brunet’s new attributes. Gliding his hands to the back, he dipped beneath the waistline of Yutaka’s jeans and allowed his hands to grab onto mounds of firm flesh, smiling into the kiss as he realized Yutaka’s tendency to not wear boxers still hadn’t changed. He began to massage, pulling Yutaka closer against him as they continued to grind; their kiss becoming more desperate and needy as time went on.

The heat was becoming almost unbearable, their bodies writhing together with total lack of control. Lewdly, they were sucking each other’s tongues, a game a pull and tug, each attempting to become the victor. Yuu was trying hard to keep himself under control, feeling Yutaka so hard and needy against him almost able to bring him to orgasm alone. It was good. _Too_ good. A pleasure he hadn’t felt since the last time they’d been together, and when he felt Yutaka nibble on his tongue and bring wandering fingers down to his erect nipples, he couldn’t help but gasp and thrust his hips up, knocking Yutaka’s unbalanced body off to the side of him.

Still on his back, Yuu lay sweaty and panting, the water floating in waves beneath help keeping him from exploding. Yutaka was curled against his side, a mess of limbs thrown over Yuu and his face buried deep in his neck, able to feel bouts of hot breaths against his damp neck. Yuu could feel Yutaka’s heart beating against his arm, the rhythm just as strong as his own. He felt like he’d just run a marathon, and the only way to extinguish his thirst was to keep his body, hands, and mouth attached to Yutaka at all times. Which is why he didn’t bother to wait for his breathing to calm before he was dipping his head and finding Yutaka’s lips, the kiss barely beginning before he felt hands pushing against his chest, begging him to stop.

“Yuu…” the way Yutaka called his name sent a jolt of panic down spine. Yutaka looked radiant at the moment, lips a rosy red and swollen, eyes hooded with lust, and all before it even truly began, Yuu feared he was losing him.

“…we’re not teenagers anymore.” Yuu was eyeing the brunet, now his time to silently plead. Yutaka wouldn’t be so cruel as to take everything away from him when they’ve come so close, he just couldn’t. But then he remembered Yutaka had disappeared after a life promised together and already he could feel his heart shattering – Yutaka had come to realize everything he was about to do was a mistake. Yuu could feel himself falling apart under his stare, unable to move.

But then Yutaka lifted from the crook of his neck and came face to face with him. His handsome features turned amused and he chuckled to himself, allowing all of Yuu’s worries to vanish. “I don’t know about you, but my back can’t handle a damn water bed anymore,” he flicked the mattress and Yuu could hear the water waver beneath them before he broke into a rowdy fit himself. “Can we move things to the floor?” Yuu nodded his head, relieved. Preparing to sit up and cup Yutaka’s cheek so he could give him another peck before they repositioned themselves, but the moment his head lifted off the mattress Yutaka laced his arms around his neck and twisted their entangled bodies hard, ending with them both crashing down onto the floor with a hard thud; Yutaka still atop his body.

Yuu was shocked, entire body thrumming in pain. He went to ask Yutaka what the hell that was all about, only to be interrupted, the brunet’s mouth right by his ear again, voice set in a teasing tone, “That’s payback for all those times you tackled me while playing hide and seek with the Nishikawa’s kids.”

It took him a moment to register Yutaka’s playful words. Having to dig through the millions of file folders that contained their past, as soon as he found what he was looking for, he laughed; the fiery arousal dying down momentarily at the recollection.

The Nishikawa’s were one of the many families they’d co-babysat for, Yuu having always felt like a little kid again when in the presence of their twin toddlers. One of the boys had taken more of a liking to him, while the other one clung to Yutaka, that bout of favoritism ending up in prank war after prank war. Yutaka and Yuu had constantly tried to show off for the twin of their liking, so when Yuu had been told to tackle Yutaka and run, he had.

His smile died down when he felt hands curl against his shirt, being redirected to those deep doe eyes, Yutaka looking him over with a gaze Yuu couldn’t even begin to describe. He felt like Yutaka was looking past him, deep into his soul and becoming one, and all he could do was lift his hand and tenderly cup the brunet’s face, feeling his movements as he bent forward, hovering their lips only centimeters apart.

“What happened to us?” a soft, broken question.

Yuu smiled sadly, running his thumb over the apple of Yutaka’s cheek, the brunet tilting his head so the entire side of his face rested in Yuu’s palm, “…life…” he answered, their lips slowly reconnecting. 

It was painfully slow, their mouths refusing to break as they familiarized themselves with the languid kisses they were more used to. Lips smacking together, swallowing each other’s jagged breaths and whimpers. It was a pattern they could be lulled to sleep by.

Yutaka urged Yuu to sit up, fumbling fingers unbuttoning and sliding his shirt down strong shoulders, leaving pale skin exposed and to his doing. Yuu did the same, hands again massaging over Yutaka’s abdomen before forcing their kiss to break as he bundled the shirt in his grasp and tossed it over the brunet’s head. For the short time their lips were apart, they made up for it, mouths crashing together like magnets the moment lust drove them to the brink of destruction, their strong need shining in the way they looked at one another.

Yuu’s hands retraced the route he once knew on Yutaka’s back, starting at the shoulder blades and moving down, feeling every scar, every minor deformity, allowing images of how Yutaka attained each and every one to dance across his mind.

He groaned when Yutaka’s hips picked up movement, reawakening the lustrous bond that had faded over the last few minutes. Hands resting on the dip of the brunet’s back, he encouraged him to move, squeezing gently his waist and thrusting up every time Yutaka grated against him. Their movements became faster, harder. Their moans growing louder and stronger. And Yuu almost lost it all when Yutaka leaned down and took a nipple into his mouth, sucking and nipping. 

His hands played in Yutaka’s hair messily, pressing the brunet closer as his mouth fell open in a silent scream. Sweat was forming on every inch of their bodies. Every touch. Every graze. Slowly killing them each.

Yuu would fall into delirium if he didn’t soon feel Yutaka in every way possible, so he forced the brunet to rise his head and crushed their lips back together, hands going to work on Yutaka’s belt and zipper clue for Yutaka to do the same. They kissed with chaos; lips, tongues, and teeth all messily working together as they blindly undressed each other. It took a bit of moving around, but, finally, they were both naked, their heated movements once more paused as each set of eyes roamed up and down sculpted body, neither able to look away. Yutaka’s hair was messy, waves frizzy and going off in every which direction. His chest was moving fast, lips wet and swollen. That image, combined with the heavy erection that stood strenuously against his flat stomach, awoke a hunger in Yuu he didn’t think possible.

He felt he had the control of a wild beast when he shot up off the floor. The way he wrapped his hands in Yutaka’s fuss of locks, the way he pulled Yutaka down on top of him and crashed their mouths together with a bruising force. Their cocks touched, the cloth barrier no longer there making eyes roll into the back of their heads with pleasure. Kissing wasn’t enough anymore and, in seconds, Yuu had their positions flipped. Yutaka sprawled out underneath him, awaiting with some amount of mischief in his eyes.

Yutaka’s heavy breaths, the way his mouth was debauched with physical evidence of their affair; it turned Yuu possessive. He knew their time would come to an end, knew that whatever went on right at this moment would be locked away in these four walls for eternity, just as the rest of their relationship was. Their first time together, prom night, even one of their Christmas Eve celebrations – it all started here, it would all end here. Even so, that possessive streak refused to die down, and before he could stop himself, Yuu had Yutaka’s arms pinned above his head, his teeth biting roughly into the brunet’s skin, leaving his mark for all to see; leaving evidence that his had indeed been real.

Yutaka’s shout quickly turned into one of pleasure, Yuu’s mouth working the skin apologetically as their cocks resumed their dance, wet tips grazing over each other and Yutaka’s nails raking down his back, sure to leave marks of his own. Yuu’s lips began sucking up Yutaka’s throat, traveling his jawline, peppering kisses everywhere. Yutaka thrust up hard, still leaving marks all over pale skin and dragging out a hiss from Yuu, forcing their lips back together to give them that much needed connection.

They were worked up, neither about to last much longer. Yuu’s fingers finally traveled down and wrapped around Yutaka’s cock, both men growling heatedly at the sudden touch. Yutaka was the first man Yuu ever touched – he was also the last. Girls have come and gone easily, but he could never bring himself to touch another male, because he knew it would never be the same. So, to feel this again, to have his hand run over hard flesh that wasn’t his own, to feel the pulsating pressure begging to be released and have Yutaka writhing and whimpering beneath him, grateful for the intoxicating touch. It all just aroused him even more, bringing that tinkering heat to the surface, ready to wash away.

“Fuck, Yuu…stop,” Yutaka pleaded through gasps, but Yuu didn’t listen. His hand curled harder around Yutaka, squeezing and stroking at all different intervals, keeping him on edge with the unknown. He didn’t even care about his own cock right now straining swollen and painfully hard against his stomach, the head turning near purple from being left untouched. All he wanted was to feel Yutaka come undone underneath him, watch his every movement, how his face would scrunch. How he’d throw his head back and release one of the sexiest screams Yuu has ever heard, how his one orgasm held more intensity than five other men combined.

He kept stroking, feeling Yutaka’s legs wrap around his waist, watching his teeth dig into his lip and bring blood to the surface. Even untouched, Yuu felt like he was experiencing everything Yutaka was, mouth falling open in awe, those nails digging into his back feeling nearly numb at this point. 

When Yutaka suddenly arched off the floor and plastered their lips together, Yuu nearly collapsed. Hand still pumping Yutaka even as spurts of come drizzled over his hand, their sweaty bodies melded together; Yutaka’s scream muffled against his lips sending an automatic twitch to his engorged erection.

Their chests beat in a unison panic as their bodies laid splayed about. Yuu felt exhausted, his raging arousal trapped between his and Yutaka’s body, the pressure painfully good. The state he’d fallen into watching Yutaka lose himself beneath him swiped him of almost all energy, the emotional connection he’d felt to the brunet in that moment something he’d been deprived of for far too long. He couldn’t bring himself to move, holding onto Yutaka for dear life. So, when he felt Yutaka’s legs tighten around his waist and arms around his neck, he was shot with a jolt of shock, their bodies suddenly repositioned to their original starting point with Yutaka straddling his waist.

The sudden change left them both completely breathless; Yutaka having used every bit of energy left after such an heightened release to maneuver them around, Yuu having sucked in a deep breath and held it in the moment his back collided with the floor; the scratch marks Yutaka had provided him with burning. Their mouths were close and Yutaka pinned Yuu with an accusing look, beginning to rub his hands up and down his glistening torso. Yuu knew exactly what Yutaka was silently telling him; he was pissed. Yuu hadn’t listened to him, he hadn’t stopped, and now there would be consequences. It was a side to Yutaka he’d seen less than a handful of times, almost certain the brunet wasn’t even aware when this bout of raw feral took over.

Seeing Yutaka in such a state had always thrilled Yuu for reasons unexplained, and now he was almost certain he’d gone against what Yutaka had said just to get him this way. He needed this more than anything, feeling Yutaka slide down his body, planting bruising kisses all along the way, biting flesh and pinning him down with his energy alone, taking him into his mouth until every inch was coated in complete warmth; Yuu becoming dizzy.

Fingers clenched into the carpet and his toes curled. Guttural sounds foreign to both set of ears followed the lewd slurping noises Yutaka was producing, Yuu’s body entirely stiff as hands roughly rubbed his thighs. “Yu-yutak….a-” he felt he was choking on each syllable, being able to call out that very name while lost in such unhinged pleasure, being touched the only way he’d desired to be for so many years. It was too much. Yuu didn’t even feel like a person anymore, he was a puppet. Every time Yutaka pursed his lips around his cock and sucked harder, every time the brunet hollowed his cheeks and bobbed his head and used his tongue to tease every inch of him; it controlled every one of Yuu’s movements, forever under Yutaka’s control. 

When they were together, when they were apart. It just didn’t matter. Yutaka would _always_ pilot every thought and action Yuu devised. He’d crawled under his skin and tattooed himself into his bloodstream, leaving Yuu to await his commands. 

Trying to force Yutaka away from him was lethal, because Yuu had become accustomed, and now it was the only way he knew how to _live_.

He groaned when Yutaka pulled off him, his coated length hitting the crisp cool air sending his body a blaze. Lips worked fiercely up his thighs, to his hip bones, and he was certain there wasn’t going to be one inch of his body not bruised in the morning. 

“Do you have anything?” Yutaka’s voice was a whisper against his ear, Yuu unsure of when he’d even closed the distance and put them face to face. Hands were still searching his body, brushing over smooth skin, lips dancing tantalizingly against his neck, jaw, and chest.

“N-no…” Yuu stumbled over his words, the pleasure Yutaka providing him with too distracting.

“Do you trust me?” balmy breaths across his lips, Yuu barely able to open his eyes and utter his question, spying Yutaka’s determined face hovering right above him.

“W-what?” Yutaka was still peppering kisses all over his body, a hand sneaking down and beginning to swirl patterns right by his groin, sending Yuu arching off the floor, desperate for some proper contact.

“I haven’t been with anyone except my wife in five years. I trust you, do you trust me?” No, Yuu _didn’t_ trust him. There was no way he could, not after everything Yutaka had done to him. But, he _needed_ this. 

It took every nerve his body contained, but eventually he enabled himself to nod his head, deciding to hand over the reins and follow Yutaka’s actions. 

He watched with heavy eyes as Yutaka licked a trail up his hand, moaned when he felt that slick hand curl around his length and give a few pumps; nearly screamed when Yutaka took no time and impaled himself on his cock. Their hips collided and Yutaka gasped heatedly into his neck, his erratic breaths labored, expressing his current pain for taking Yuu with next to no preparation. 

“F-fuck, it hurts.” Flat against his chest, entire body tensed, hands tugging on ebony hair to fight off some of the pain. All of this was too familiar to Yuu. The whispered words, near panic in a usually determined voice. It was their first visit to this very room all over again. Yuu inexperienced, unknowing what to do. Yutaka trying to mask his pain, wanting this more than anything, afraid Yuu would stop if he knew how much he was actually hurting.

It was either Yutaka’s tolerance for pain had built over the years or he was just as desperate as he was back then to connect with Yuu in such an intimate way. Either way, Yuu knew he had to do something to ease the tension the brunet was radiating; his body wrapped so tight around him driving Yuu mad.

He found himself re-enacting this very moment from over a decade ago, rubbing hands down a shaking back, brushing back strands of sweaty locks, pressing light kisses to a warm neck. Doing his best to sooth, to calm Yutaka down and let him know the pain would pass. That this would eventually all be worth it.

A good solid ten minutes passed before Yutaka finally lifted himself from the crook of his neck, breaths having leveled out. Their stares met, remnants of tears still dancing behind pools of mocha, and Yuu pushed himself up on his elbows. Raising a hand and cupping a heated cheek, repeating his actions from the night he had Yutaka in this very same way, titling his head and kissing him with passion.

They kissed long and soft, each second they were connected still total disbelief in Yuu’s eyes. It was a moment he could relive forever, feeling Yutaka so warm and willing sending jolts of pleasure down his spine. And the moment the brunet’s hips finally moved, the moment Yuu felt those wall surrounding him strengthen their tight hold, he broke the kiss and gasped, the weak support his elbows had been offering collapsing and sending him to lay back straight.

Trembling hands came to lay in his chest, Yutaka’s fingers overlapping each other and pushing himself up, eyes closed in a painful decadence, the patterned movement of up and down on Yuu’s erection eventually becoming easier; both men growling in delight as the pace sped up and the raw pleasure kicked in.

Yutaka kept a constant speed, the combination of the make shift lube and Yuu’s precome making his movements slicker by the moment, pleasure taking over the pain. Their eyes heavy with lust remained staring at each other the entire time, Yutaka gasping and falling forward the moment Yuu began snapping his hips up, meeting everything the brunet was giving to him with equal force. They were panting, Yutaka riding Yuu so hard that the elder’s back began sliding on the carpet; the feeling burning yet sensational. Yuu’s knees bent and his hands grabbed hold on Yutaka’s hips, throwing his head back and muttering his name as Yutaka continued to slam down on his erection, walls purposefully clenching hard, trying to bring them both to that land of euphoria.

The muscles in Yuu’s thighs were clenching, stomach rampart in heat, back stinging from the scratches and flesh burns. He was about to combust.

Allowing feral instincts to take over, Yuu shot up off the ground, chest smacking together with Yutaka’s own. Yutaka let out a gasp, lidded eyes staring at Yuu and swollen lips remaining open. Yuu was quick to smash their matching ruddy in color mouths together, arms wrapping around Yutaka’s trim waist, beginning to drill into him from their newfound position.

His thrusts were hard, fast, erratic. Yutaka was moaning, he was whimpering, and letting his nails dig their way into Yuu’s back again, needing to hold on tight at Yuu fucked him deep, hitting that special bundle of nerves each and every time with their new angle.

“F-fuck. Yuu, please, touch me…”

Yuu did as demanded, wrapping his hand around Yutaka’s cock, using precome to make his motions slicker. He stroked and thrust, twisting his hand and hips, turning Yutaka into a complete mess in his lap. 

He watched. He watched as Yutaka’s body lost all its strength, he watched as his breaths became more jagged and his face buried itself into Yuu’s neck. But more important than watching, Yuu felt that hitch of breath, that moment Yutaka completely stopped breathing, as his orgasm washed over him; only letting out a scream and fast breaths the moment his release began to coat Yuu’s stomach and hand.

Having Yutaka so spent in his lap. Having his warm come splattered all over his body; Yuu was only able to thrust a few minutes longer, kissing Yutaka chaotically as he came.

Covered in come, sweat, and tears, both men collapsed back fully on the ground, breathing evening out as they stared at each other. Their hair of different tones mixed together, the tips of their fingers brushed together, lips moved on lips slowly. It was such a peaceful moment after a night full of heavy emotions and an intense session of fucking, and Yuu found himself beginning to pass out quickly, his mind only being reawaken when he felt Yutaka’s warm body press against him, a whisper in his ear.

“Yuu, you know I’ve never stopped loving you, right?”

Yuu’s vision was fading out, Yutaka’s honey like voice sweet and warm, allowing him flashes of their past. Yutaka in his arms, smiling and giggling. Yutaka kissing him, trying to help him escape the pain of losing his grandfather. Yutaka standing in his room, begging with tears in his eyes for Yuu to just hold him, to never forget him; the last time he’d ever seen him.

With those visions playing in his head, Yuu placed his chin in Yutaka’s brunet mop, kissing his temple tenderly. “I know. Neither have I.”

“And you know that no matter what happens, I’ll never stop loving you…”

Yuu’s hands wrapped in Yutaka’s hair, knowing what those words meant. He had to clench his eyes shut, fighting back apparent tears. Chest heavy and stomach in knots, he pulled Yutaka closer, whispering another broken ‘I know’; both men falling to sleep soon after.

 

When Yuu woke up just a few hours later, the sun was just beginning to peak out from under the clouds through a slit in the curtains. It was freezing, the room was quiet, and without even bothering to get up and look, Yuu knew he was alone. No matter how hard he tried to imagine the sound of the squeaky faucet running a warm shower, or even try and listen for the low grumbling of the single cup coffee maker; he knew he was alone. His and Yutaka’s small exchange of words last night had been a warning; I love you, but we can’t do this. 

Expecting to wake up with Yutaka plastered to his side and snoring lightly had all been false hope on Yuu’s part. He’d tried to prepare himself in his sleep for the blow he was going to be faced with upon waking up, but no matter how many times his inner self told him there was no way Yutaka would stick around to face him in the morning hour, he still couldn’t fight off that weight of disappointment he felt; that knowing bout of loneliness now back and consuming him at full force.

Sluggishly standing from the ground, every bone in his body snapped painfully, the icy cold air hitting the opened wounds on his back making teeth grind. He felt dirty and used, heading straight for the shower, applying the hottest setting, burning away the remorse from just those few hours ago.

Clothed and ready to go, beginning to head for the exit, something caught his attention. Their bottles had been cleaned up, bed properly fixed, and anything that was brought out of place put back in precise order; a classic sign Yutaka had actually stayed in this room. As a teen, he’d always reprimand Yuu, making him get up early whenever they stayed here, forcing him to help clean up. Because Yutaka was Yutaka; nice, sweet, and forever caring. He’d claimed that housekeeping already had enough to do, so he and Yuu could at least clean up after themselves and make their job easier.

The cleanliness, however, wasn’t what caught Yuu’s attention. It was the television.

The blue screen was showing, a piece of contrasting white paper taped to the glass screen. In big, bold print read the words, ‘PRESS PLAY’, followed by a few words underneath. Yuu was quick to grab the paper and remote, plopping himself down on the edge of the bed and scanning those few quickly jotted words.

_Yuu,  
_

_We’ve gone through so much together and, after last night, I don’t think I can live without you in my life anymore. Please don’t be a stranger. Taka has my contact information and address. I really hope to hear from you, Yuu. I’ve missed you.  
Yutaka_

The paper scrunched in his hands, a fury taking over he hadn’t experienced since he’d first found out of Yutaka’s disappearance. That was it? After everything that had happened between them, that was all Yutaka had to say? The paper trembling in his hands was quickly morphed into a wadded ball, going flying across the room as Yuu threw it in anger.

Yutaka was his utopia, yet Yutaka was everything that was wrong with him. It was all one big contradiction; a truth he was mentally trying to turn fiction.

He wanted to hit something. He wanted to kick and punch until bone was popping through his knuckles and his feet were bruised. He wanted to scream at the top of his lungs, let out all those inner demons in one smooth shout. But, instead, Yuu settled for heavy breathing, twisting his hands in his hair and burying himself in his knees, trying to hide even from himself his streaming tears.

It wasn’t fair. 

Life wasn’t fair.

He _hated_ it.

He just wanted to be happy. To live normally. To have a job that paid well and a loving family to come home to. 

He wanted what Yutaka had.

He wanted Yutaka.

It was all too confusing, too much, and Yuu knew the tears wouldn’t stop unless he had a distraction. Yanking the remote up from by his side, he did as the note instructed, blindly pressing play and falling back on the bed, simply waiting. Noises, maybe even flashes of the screen. Just anything that would clear his mind and allow him to begin his hike to the nearest bus station.

For a few moments, only the sloshing of water could be heard in his ears, the water the mattress contained moving steadily under his weight, bringing a relaxing calm. White noise, followed by the sounds of fumbling and warm laughter. Two distinct voices; one his own, the other Yutaka’s.

Yuu shot up ram rod straight, glistening eyes wide with disbelief. How could he have forgotten about this video? Yutaka had been so secretive about the item he was placing in their small time capsule when they were teens, and even ten years later, Yuu feels like he could slap himself. How had he’d not known? The moment he saw Yutaka sneak a tape into the tin box, he should’ve put two and two together but, he hadn’t…

_“Yuuu, this is so embarrassing! Please don’t make me do it!”_ Yutaka’s warm laughter radiated throughout the room, the teen standing at an angle in front of a camera, wearing a long, white button down t-shirt that came down to his knees.

_“Awww, come on Yutaka. Are you really going to deny the birthday boy his only wish?”_ Yuu’s quirky voice spoke up this time, his figure laying relaxed on the twin sized bed in his room, hands folded under his head as support and watching Yutaka squirm on the other side of the room. _“You promised you’d do this, babe. Just for me, pleeeeease~?”_ A pout took over his full lips, his piercing reflecting off the bright lights in the room; pout turning into a full grin as Yutaka’s steady laughter again filled the four walls.

_“Fine. But it’s only because I love you.”_ Yutaka pointed a finger Yuu’s way, trying to appear stern, but falling into another fit of giggles once more as Yuu blew a playful kiss in his direction.

Slowly, Yutaka stood straight, keeping his focus on Yuu as he began sliding each button on his shirt from their individual hole, a smirk crossing his lips as Yuu watched him intently. _“You like what you see?”_ the brunet tried to remain serious, trying to seduce Yuu with his eyes alone as he flapped open the top part of his shirt, revealing his entire chest; pert nipples and all. But his attempts at seduction were completely destroyed as a smile curled on his lips, feeling absolutely ridiculous. It just wasn’t who Yutaka was.

_“Hmmm, baby, you look **so** good. Why not come over here and show me what you can do?”_ Yuu’s words came out more natural, a husk to them indicating Yutaka was doing something right in turning him on. Hands rubbing up and down his clothed thighs in anticipation, tongue flicking out and moistening his lips.

Yutaka rolled his eyes, popping open more buttons as he crossed the room towards Yuu; purposefully swaying his hips with an exaggerated force, stopping right by the edge of the bed and staring at Yuu, the last button still intact. _“Happy birthday, Yuu.”_ A whisper so sweet, Yuu swore he was in the heavens; Yutaka his own personal guardian angel.

The last button was pushed through its cotton barrier, Yutaka allowing Yuu to reach up and slide the thin shirt off his slant shoulders; leaving him completely naked. Yuu ran his hands down Yutaka’s body in near worship, stopping and wrapping his arms around the small of his boyfriend’s back. Kissing up his stomach until he reached right above his belly button, nuzzling his face into tan skin. _“You’re so perfect, Yutaka. I can’t wait to start our lives together.”_

Smiling tenderly, the brunet laced his fingers into Yuu’s hair, bending at the knees until they hit the mattress, thighs spread over the elder’s lap. _“Together forever, right?”_

Lips were pressed together, a kiss of passion exchanged. _“Together forever, baby.”_

Yuu couldn’t watch anymore. He knew full well what followed, and watching himself and Yutaka young and hopelessly infatuated with one another, making love so passionately and not afraid to shout it to the rest of the world. He couldn’t handle it in his current frail state.

That day was like a permanent stamp in his memory. His parents had gone out of town, leaving him to celebrate his eighteenth birthday all alone. He’d been bummed about it for sure, but when Yutaka had strutted up to him during lunch time and told Yuu he’d doing _anything_ to make him feel better about the situation, he couldn’t resist his suggestion of a small strip tease and an amateur sex tape.

However amateur they’d planned the tape to originally be, in the end, the camera wound up capturing one of the most ardent and intimate moments between them as a couple. They were vulnerable, their raw emotions worn completely on their sleeves. There wasn’t anything they could hide behind, it plain and simple that they were Yuu and Yutaka; two teens who loved each other more than some couples who spent an entirety together.

Yuu understood now. That was Yutaka’s reasoning for putting that tape into the box.

The part of himself Yutaka wanted to always remember, to never forget, had been Yuu. He wanted to prove that no matter what they went through, they’d always come out undefeated; that they’d truly be, together forever. 

Everything coming crashing down on him like this made Yuu feel ill. He quickly stood, ejecting the tape and rushing out of the room. Dewy summer morning air slammed against his body, taking in shallow breaths while making his way down the stairs.

Hurrying to the bus stop, sitting at the bench and lowering his head between his knees, he tried to block everything out. He tried to force himself back into that numb state, to feel and hear nothing. But all around him was Yutaka’s gentle caress and addicting laughter. It was loud, echoing; taking over his world. The marks Yutaka had left him with last night humming to life at the very thought of him.

The tape was trembling in his hands, Yuu having to think long and hard to steady himself, and that’s when he realized; he couldn’t do as Yutaka asked of him. He couldn’t stay in contact with him.

Because unless he could have Yutaka all to himself as friend, lover, and partner for life; he couldn’t be around him at all. 

It was just too painful. And Yuu had already dealt with enough pain throughout his life.

How long he sat there, he wasn’t quite sure. An hour. Maybe two. But when the bus finally rolled up, he’d been able to put himself back into that anesthetized chaos, stepping onto the bus and taking the far back corner seat. Staring forlornly out the window, watching the sakura tree; the starting point to this night’s downward spiral, slowly fade into the background.

Leaving behind his final memory of Yutaka, imprisoning himself in what once was; freezing their youthful together forever and making it last an eternity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annnnd, that's it! Whether you're reading this for the first time, or are re-reading it after having read it on LJ before, I hope everyone was able to enjoy! <3


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